3 Ways to Observe Yom Kippur That They Don’t Teach You in Shul

Yom Kippur is the holiest day of the Jewish year. But it can also feel like the emptiest. 

According to tradition, both our schedules and our plates are meant to be clean. So, too, are our hearts. We’re called to fast, attend services, and repent of our wrongdoing. 

Though flanked on either side by the celebratory days of the High Holidays, the Day of Atonement can feel like a weighty, burdensome call. But it’s one worth answering. The ancient traditions of forgiveness, fasting, and meditating, though frequently discussed, are rarely reexamined. 

This year, let’s take a closer look at some of the rituals embedded in this mysterious holiday. Let’s reimagine ways to incorporate them into our lives. Because knowing you, you want something deeper, something meaningful, and something fresh.

1. Forgiving and Apologizing Well

Sixty-two percent of Americans agree that they need more forgiveness in their lives. But almost that same percentage believe that forgiveness is conditional, dependent on what wrongs have been done and whether the offender has apologized and changed. If we desire to live in a more unified, gracious, and loving world, the work must begin in our own hearts.

It can be helpful to ask ourselves guiding questions: From whom do we need to ask forgiveness? Whom do we need to forgive? What areas of our lives could use a little more grace? The work of forgiveness—whether you’re seeking it or offering it—is rarely easy, but it’s vital. Without the work, we can carry or cause a heavy burden. 

Studies have shown that forgiving others can positively impact our mental health. The American Psychological Association found that it reduces anxiety, depression, major psychiatric disorders, physical ailments, and even mortality rates.

It’s our duty both to repent and to forgive. Jewish tradition says we should seek forgiveness from those we have wronged up to three times. And we’re also warned against harboring a grudge: “It is forbidden for a person to be cruel and refuse to be appeased” (Mishneh Torah 2:10).

There should be no limit to our capacity to forgive.

When asked how many times we should forgive those who have wronged us, Yeshua (Jesus) exceeded cultural norms, saying “seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22), insinuating that there should be no limit to our capacity to forgive.

If we’re seeking forgiveness from others, we should offer apologies thoughtfully.  Psychiatrist Dr. Aaron Lazare said an effective apology “requires honesty, generosity, humility, commitment, courage, and sacrifice.” Our Jewish mothers were right: we should say we're sorry when we've done something wrong. Taking it a few steps further, we should name specifically what it is we're sorry for, acknowledge its impact, and take responsibility for making things right.

This Yom Kippur, let’s do the hard work of apologizing well and forgiving earnestly, bringing it all before God. As Rabbi Jonathan Sacks said, “We were created in love and forgiveness by the God of love and forgiveness who asks us to love and forgive. However many times we may have failed to live up to our aspirations, God always gives us the chance and the power to begin again. On Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, the holiest days of a holy people, God summons us to greatness.”

2. A Different Kind of Fast

Most people know Yom Kippur as the day we fast. It’s marked by contrite spirits and empty plates. But what is the point of abstaining, and what should that actually look like? 

God explains to the prophet Isaiah, “This is the kind of fasting I want: Free those who are wrongly imprisoned; lighten the burden of those who work for you. Let the oppressed go free, and remove the chains that bind people. Share your food with the hungry, and give shelter to the homeless” (58:6–7).

What if we spent our Yom Kippur a little differently this year and tried an Isaiah 58 kind of fast?

What if we spent our Yom Kippur a little differently this year and tried an Isaiah 58 kind of fast? Instead of focusing on withholding food from ourselves, what if we focused on giving food to others in need? Consider volunteering at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. What if our day included caring for the underprivileged or giving a voice to the voiceless? Try signing a petition for a meaningful cause, caring for animals at your local shelter, or showing up for a friend in need.

If you want or need an alternative form of abstaining this Yom Kippur, try cutting out a daily vice, like drinking caffeine, eating sweet treats, or scrolling Instagram or TikTok. By disrupting our normal schedules and comforts, we set this day apart from the rest and draw our attention inward and upward.

However we choose to participate in the call of fasting, may we reflect the heart of our Creator at Yom Kippur (and always): to acknowledge the sin that breaks our world, and to seek the restoration and redemption of our world. 

3. Creative Meditating 

Prayers like Kol Nidre and the Viddui are traditionally repeated throughout the day as a way to confess our sins and seek forgiveness and absolution from God. These prayers are beautiful, but they don’t absolve us of the duty of self-reflection. Just like a good apology to another person, our apology to God should be thoughtful, personal, and heartfelt.

How can we pray the words of Kol Nidre and Viddui without first knowing what it is we are repenting for?

The task of self-reflecting, of searching our hearts and our past and identifying our sins, is an integral part of Yom Kippur. How can we pray the words of Kol Nidre and Viddui without first knowing what it is we are repenting for?

The process of introspection can be daunting, heavy, and interrupted by thousands of distractions. Thankfully, God has made us multifaceted beings who can reflect and process in different ways. 

To minimize interruptions, try to take a walk in nature while you pray. Listen to the trees or some quiet music. Take a drive somewhere without traffic and roll the windows down. If you’re more indoorsy than outdoorsy, drawing, doodling, or even scribbling can be a therapeutic form of processing (even if you don’t consider yourself “artistic”). Writing your thoughts in a journal or using our special High Holiday guide can help process thoughts and feelings. Even simply sitting on the floor with your hands open upward to God can be helpful to get in the right mindset.

Meditation, though solitary, is not something we are doing alone. At Yom Kippur, we’re reminded of a perpetual truth: the God of the Universe is waiting to hear from us and to speak to us. He isn’t a God far away, but a God close enough to whisper to.

When the sun sets on this Day of Atonement and we resume our normal routines, let’s remain attuned to the state of our hearts and the heart of our God.

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